Tag Archives: self compassion

Not alone in our loneliness

Loneliness seems to be a theme for this week; everyone I am meeting from new mums, elderly neighbours, dog walkers to self employed colleagues. Everyone is feeling lonely.

Maybe it’s the time of year? The quietness after Christmas? Trying to get back into a routine? I don’t know, but it seems everywhere.

What I find quite interesting though, is that we all feel it. New mums feel it being stuck at home with a new baby, self employed colleagues working long hours on their own and elderly not having things to do to pass the day.

It’s interesting to me that so many people from different walks of life all feel similar things. I personally think loneliness happens when we don’t connect with others at levels we need. When we don’t feel any resonance in others, when we don’t see anything of us reflected back when we look at others.

And in all these cases, these are new situations where people are trying to find a new set of connections because the others have gone or not the same; maternity leave, leaving work, retiring etc.

It takes time to set up new connections, so please be gentle with yourself but do know, it will happen. Maybe the first step is becoming comfortable being alone and being with the quietness of lack of others? Maybe we need to learn how to be when we are not with others; what would we do? What interests us? Excites us? We are pack animals but I believe we also need breathing space from others otherwise how do we know who we are? Especially when embarking on a new identity; New Mum for example.

I know I have talked about loneliness in super simplistic terms and appreciate there is so much complexity to it along with a host of emotions but hopefully this has brought Loneliness to the surface for you and will help you look at your own situation and reflect on it.

What are your experiences of loneliness? What are your thoughts on it and how to help yourself?

Relationship with food

“I hated my body. I hated me. I used to cry myself to sleep most nights. I fell into the deepest, darkest depression and I was so lost and lonely. I avoided mirrors, hated it whenever we needed to go out because things simply didn’t fit anymore. I didn’t want to see anyone, because all the other mums looked like they had it together, they were coping and looked great. They’d gone back to pre-pregnancy weight and shape. To lose my weight, I started skipping meals and only eating chocolate or puddings. I was horrible though, so grumpy, shouty, snappy. Eventually the weight did come off but looking back I can see what a damaging way I treated my body.” Words from a client

What is your relationship with food and your body? Do you skip meals to lose weight? Or eat for comfort?

Our relationship with food is one that some of us don’t even think about or we obsess about it. Our relationship with food is extremely complex, some of it from our childhood, maybe even from when we were weaned onto solid food. It is sometimes the only thing we feel we can control but it has also been used to control us.

With my busy clients, food seems to be the first thing that goes, simply ‘forgetting to eat’. Or scoffing down comfort, high energy, low value food while feeding others well. Or with those who are feeling low, there is simply not the interest.

Where would you start with trying to sort out your relationship with food though? This is something so ingrained in you and you have your default reactions and actions, habits difficult to break.

I would say self compassion and self love which in itself isn’t an easy step to take. If you do see yourself as someone to take care of and love, the first question would be, “What would you like to eat today?”. Use that gentleness you would use with your best friend, your child and start to look after yourself.

Not eating well contributes largely to our mood, so it is a good place to start. If you’re struggling with this, as many of us do, please seek support. You’re not alone in this xx



Healing is an on going process

My son’s birthday is coming up soon and he will be 17.
As I reflect on this time, I find myself looking at old photos from when he was born, when he was little and I am taken back to a NOT so good time.
The memories and feelings of the trauma, the struggles, the depression come back and yeah, it’s not fun.

But let me tell you. This is all part of the process. A broken leg aches well after it is mended and I see these moments like an aching. The majority of the healing has been done but they are complex memories, good combined with bad, happy combined with sad.

Each time we revisit a memory, there is more healing, until, hopefully, one day, we can acknowledge the bad and sad but remember the good and happy fondly.

If you imagine a spiral with a line through it – each time you visit a traumatic memory, you are in a better place, you are stronger and better able to cope and you can heal.

And don’t forget, the stronger, caring you can give yourself love and self compassion, telling yourself what you needed to hear at the time, helping with the healing.

If you need help to talk about your birth trauma, postnatal depression and the struggles that comes with, please do get in touch with me for support. You are not alone in this 

Self Compassion

Image result for self compassion

Self compassion
I am going to make the assumption that you are the kind of person that is probably very hard on yourself, right?
You get annoyed and frustrated, maybe even out right angry, at yourself if you don’t do things right or if you keep getting things wrong.
Going one step further, I bet you tell yourself off lots too using the following type of language;

“You’re so stupid! You should have known better!!”
“Look at all the jobs you haven’t done!”
“You’re so useless sometimes”
“You don’t deserve ______________” (fill in the blank)

Write down 5 things you say to yourself that you would NEVER EVER dream of saying to someone else:

How do you feel having written these down? What reaction do you think you would get from, for example, your best friend if you said the above things to them?

Spend a few minutes jotting down a few words here:

If your Self talk is as bad I think it might be and what you have said to yourself, you would never say to anyone else, I want to ask you,

“Why is it ok to talk to yourself like this?”

Self compassion is the one, most important wellbeing practice that few of us do. What we tell our minds, we believe. Our words turn into scripts and these stories determine what our lives become.

In our everyday lives, there will always be people who are quick to judge us, tell us off, criticise us, block us, hinder us, hurt us, damage us and so on. So what do we do? We join in with them! We’re not even on our own side, we don’t even support ourselves. If anything, we are harsher to ourselves than anyone else is.


You now have a little person in your life now who will change absolutely everything. You have a new identity now and I bet you, your life will not be the same again.

What we forget is that change takes time.
When you started school, you had to learn to be away from home, learn to be in a classroom, learn to learn, learn to be with other children etc.
When you started driving, you took lessons, had practice drives, did a test and still you continue to learn.
Maybe when you started a new job, you had an induction, settle in time, things were explained to you, your manager guided you, maybe you had a team to support your work, maybe you were given a desk etc.

Think of a time of change in your life that you have gone through.
Was it difficult at the time?
How did you get through it?
How did you cope?

Having a baby and embracing your new identity as Mum is the same and self compassion will be your best tool to start with.
Self compassion simply put is being nice to yourself, supporting yourself, being kind and caring towards yourself.

So next time you start the negative self talk, think how you would talk to your best friend, your partner – or your new baby.

After all, you wouldn’t tell your new baby off for not running a marathon right now would you?

Take the time you need, the space you need and give yourself the care and kindness you need during this time of change.

Perfect vision

They do say hindsight is 20/20 and almost everyone I know does this; We look back at the past and we beat ourselves up with the most commonly used words, ‘I should have known better’.

So many of my clients say this to me, ‘I should have known better’, or ‘It was my fault’ and there is great difficulty in forgiving themselves.

How do we start to turn this around though? How do we start to feel better about our regrets from the past?

Of course it’s easy to look back, knowing the full impact of decisions and events but at the time, you only know what you know. (you know!)

In any moment in time, we can only do the best we can, at that time. Perhaps we are tired, exhausted even. Perhaps we were rushed, or we reacted and it was all just too overwhelming.

The only way to let go, is to acknowledge you tried your best at the time, you know now what would have been better BUT at the time you didn’t. Perhaps you will do things differently but the main thing is to realise that because of what has happened, you are wiser and you know more. Some call this life experience and we do learn the most from mistakes and bad situations.

You couldn’t have known better because you maybe didn’t have that particular knowledge at the time.

Remember, you are always doing the best you can (taking into consideration all the drains on you) and you can’t know everything. Trust yourself and your instincts, learn to be your own best friend and talk to yourself to meet those needs no one else can meet and learn from bad situations.

Turn your ‘I should have known better’ to ‘Next time, I will know better’.

Breathe, be in the moment and forgive yourself.

It’s ok to let go and move on.

It’s ok x

Step 2 – Love your body; Detox your mind

I am sure you have heard of a body detox? Well, we are going to look at detoxing our minds.

I believe one of the main reasons we as women are in such a state about our bodies is because we are mean. Now, be honest with yourself, think about all your female relationships, or think about when you watch TV or flick through a magazine. What goes through your mind? What do you say when you have all your girlfriends together? When you talk about other women?

“Wow, she’s put on weight!”

“She’s so skinny, that bitch!”

“She really shouldn’t be wearing ‘skinny’ jeans”

Can you add some more? Be honest, what have you thought in the past week? Month?

Now turn it around and think about what has been said to you. Take a few minutes here to jot down some hang ups you have in your life because someone has made a comment about it?

“You know you’d look so much prettier if you did your eyebrows this way” or

“Your bum looks so big in that”

Ok, maybe those are lame examples but have a think and write down some examples of your own. Now have a think who said them to you. Where are they in their lives? Do you want their lives? To be like them? Have they actually got any expertise in the area? Do they have your best interest in mind? Does their opinion really matter that much?

What have you come up with?

The point is, there are people out there who are so quick to put you down to keep you from becoming confident.

By mindlessly bitching with your friends, or at the TV, you are training  your mind that it is ok to talk like that. It is ok to pick out imperfections. It’s ok because that means that person is not perfect so you can feel ok about yourself.

It’s ok to put others down so you feel ok.

Is it really ok?

We now come to the real reason why we need to retrain our minds. By talking this way about others, and training our minds that it is ok, it begs the question:

What exactly are we saying to ourselves?

You know, that voice in your head that says things. I’ll bet you that voice isn’t very nice to you, is it? You know it’s your voice and  you don’t like it but you let it say these things AND YOU BELIEVE IT!

Here are some examples of what other women have said from a survey I sent out:

“I am not good enough to be part of anything and can’t do anything.”

“I am just existing and smile through the pain, living in my own personal hell.”

“If anyone else treated me I do to myself, I would take them to court for abuse and yet I feel I deserve to do this to myself.”

“I have let myself go and am not good enough to be part of society. I don’t fit in, I don’t belong.”

Write down all the things you can think of that the voice has said to you. Has the voice been kind to you? Do you like it? Can you image living life without this negativity within you? What would that be like?

Be mindful of the voice and what negative things it is saying to you. For a day or so, just notice and make notes if you need to. Notice what you say to yourself, what your friends say to you, to each other, what is said on TV, in the magazine. Just notice how much negativity is out there.

You can’t really control what other people say or do but like I said in the intro, this is your life and you are in control, and you choose what you do and where you go next.

You CAN start changing your mindset.

Every time you hear yourself being negative, say THREE nice things to counter act it.

So if you see a large woman wearing a pair of skinny jeans a few sizes too small, and you’re thinking “She should not be wearing those!”, bat that thought away with “Her hair is a beautiful colour, her eyes are full of so much happiness, she has put that outfit together so well”

Try and think of three positives to every negative and you will soon find your mind is being retrained. Maybe you will even stop thinking of negatives all together? Maybe you will start seeing beauty in all these women around you where before you only saw flaws?

Now, can you image doing that to the voice in your head? For every negative thought you have to say to yourself, can you say three nice things?

3 positives – 1 negative = 1 happier woman!

I would strongly suggest you write down the positives, or if you wish, take a photos of the positives (don’t worry if you’re not ready yet, there’s plenty of time for that).  Collect these positives and look at them often, you will start seeing yourself in a new light and you will start believing how wonderful you are, and how beautiful you are and most importantly, how worthy you are.

Remember, you need to go through the process to see the results.

You can also try a Love ritual which will help you feel better about yourself.

Stand yourself in front of the mirror and say,

“I love you, you are beautiful, you have every right to have a place on this earth and you are worthy of everything.”

Do it as often as you can but promise yourself you will do it at least twice a day. Maybe when you’re brushing your teeth? That’s twice a day 🙂 Change what you say to yourself by all means, as often as you like, to suit what you need at the time, but make sure it is positive.

Change in the Seasons

4-seasons-1-treeBrrr…is it just me or is it getting colder in the UK? I can smell the change in the air, see the colours change in the trees, it’s getting darker earlier and the heating is coming on. All these signs point to us entering Autumn. To be honest, we have been really lucky with some great warm weather and sunshine, very out of season but now, we seem to be back on track.

Funny how we seem so aware of changes in the weather and we adjust accordingly; warmer clothes, lights on, comforting food – take a moment to think about what you do when the seasons change?

We’re very good at being aware of some things but what of the things happening right inside us? How aware are you about your emotions? Feelings? Mental Health?

The first step to becoming happier is AWARENESS.

If you’re not aware of the signs that something is about to happen or that you need to take appropriate action, then how can you prepare or adjust?

So with this in mind, I have ONE question for you:


Do you keep finding yourself in situations and think, “How did I get here, again??!!”
Do you find yourself getting low without any actual reasons you can put your finger on?
Do you cry at the drop of a hat and you don’t know where it has come from?

What area do you feel you need more awareness?